P's and Q's

One of my earliest memories, is of my mom straightening out my dress and telling me to mind my “P’s and Q’s”, as company was coming. Though I had no clue what those stood for , I knew she was asking me to mind my manners and not put my extremely large foot in my larger mouth.

It meant that I have to say thank you even though the guest gave me a really old packet of biscuits and not interrupt people while they were talking. It also essentially meant that if I treated that person well, they would treat me well in return. Growing up I embarrassed my parents enough by saying something at the most inappropriate moment and I continue to embarrass K still , but one thing which stuck me to me was to always say my Please(P’s) or Thank you (Q’s) and to directly look at a person when they are speaking to you. Well, I don’t find that nowadays !!. ...I probably sound like an old lady with a cane, who most recent memory was Gandhi walking on the Dandi March :) !. But I really cherish , the now old age custom of P’s and Q’s. And no, I’m not going to rant over the kids nowadays. I see parents trying to get them to follow the manners and culture, its more a rant now against the adults I see.

Through my job I move with people across geographies. We may not really understand each others accents, but each of those team members, always are polite both in their mails and in their talk. But then I interact with the Indian sub-continent, and the new rush of talent fresh out of higher institutes of learning. Even though they are very good at their job, they assume that conversations can be conducted like an personal email. There are never any P’s or Q’s attached to these mails. I don’t expect them to send me thank you notes when I am doing my job, but when they request additional details, that’s when I would like to see some manners come into play. I know that the office and the means of communication that we use (email, sms) give rise to a more informal subculture. The emails that I get seem to be more an order to personal assistant than a request for information . I probably dont know them from Adam, so I really dont want them to ask me really personal questions about my visa status or if I'm married. This laissez faire attitude is not restricted to their official selves.

Last time in India, I was at dinner with a couple of family friends. Their daughter who had just joined a major IT company, got a call at the beginning of dinner, and continued talking through dinner, and walked into her room after dinner to continue the call, all the time ignoring the guests.. She conducted the call in the dining hall, so we lost half an hour of companionship sitting in silence, listen to her friend and her crib about their project manager . All her parents could do was mutely shrug their shoulders with an apology. My mom would have ensured, that my call was cut the very second it was received, considering we were at the dinner table.

Even when a gift is given or a compliment paid, the reaction now is to shrug it off or act as if it doesn’t matter. Its “cool” to be indifferent. That may work if your 15 and people shrug it off as an adolescent problem, but not when a person is leading a team.
I know that by being informal , we are trying to break down some barriers in communications and geography.
But that doesn’t mean that we forget that manners were integrated into the culture for a reason. That respect is shown and received is through words and acts.


When I went to lunch with a couple of friends, I thanked the waiter when he cleared the dishes. My pals looked at me if I had lost it. “He’s doing his job, why are you thanking him, we are going to tip him anyway” was the remark made. It may be the persons job, but maybe it makes it a little bit easier on the waiter, if you don’t act as if you are the “Queen of Sheeba”. But what’s worse is now people think it’s snobbish if someone is nice.
When I was in Chennai buying a few trinkets my last trip, I over heard the sales girls making fun of the American in front of me because she said thank you when they wrapped her purchase. They commented that only white people say thank you for everything. They didn’t get the fact, that the lady ahead was actually thanking them for their services, which I highly doubt their boss did at the end of the day.

Funnily enough in a land where “Athithi Devo Bhava” –(Guest is equivalent to god) , we keep saying that we are leaning towards the western civilization. But culture irrespective of the east or west part of it, remains the same. Be nice to the people around you, informality does not mean that we forget basic human courtesy. I know a lot of people shrug and say “Today’s generation”, but to me manners is a habit which is timeless. Irrespective of the age or the generation you belong to, its never too late to start minding your P’s and Q’s.

Whoever, has read my tirade, deserves their jokes, so here goes

A. One Christmas,mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank you note duties. As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

B. Ten Things To Say About A Gift You Don't Like
10. Hey! There's a gift!
9. Well, well, well ...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
And the Number One Thing to say about a gift you don't like
1. "I really don't deserve this."

Keep Smiling ppl,
Anu