Sunday, August 07, 2005

Brides Roadmap

Thanks for all the wishes on the engagement and if this blog wasn’t anonymous, u all would have been witnesses to the event.

Ok , I admit it , I think I am the worst blogger in the world… I wish I could I say I had a blogger’s block, but the real situation was that even though I penned down a hundred posts on the Bangalore traffic, the hawks flying around airport road signal, or the people on commercial street, the real post which I wanted to and I am putting down, is guess a road map of life after an arranged engagement- well in one word “tough”…. In more I guess you need to read on….

First of all the realization that every action that you take is being followed by 2 families instead of one. Its just that the number of people who care about you have doubled and so has your duty towards them.My fiancé’s,(lets call him K ) family is one of the most accommodative and helpful people around (I am not saying this because K reads this blog :)). And this takes getting used to. In my family, if someone requires something, it usually starts as a directive, turns into a favor, a bribe and finally emotional blackmail :)).For example, if my mom wants to go shopping – she tells me,then asks, then prepares my favorite food, and again reminds me that she had to go through 12 hours of labor to bring me into this world. Well ,then I relent !!!. In K’s family all it takes is a phone call, and it’s done (though I feel they are missing out on the whole bribe scenario).

Second is the fact, that as K is abroad, and considered a good son by one and all (I think even his 7 year niece, recounts the stories of his amazing intellect and skills!!!!!)) The only tiny is problem is , I cant match his amazing honest childhood even a bit, well other than to say, that when I used to play pranks on people, I would make them suffer for only an hour …It’s a well known fact in my family that the only thing I am good at is talking and numbers – all other womanly skills right from cooking to wearing a saree,is something that I need to start from scratch. So when K's stories are recounted.. all I do is keep quite.. which btw is taken as me being the blushing bride :)) .. considering that is a womanly trait, I do it nowadays as much as possible- (One down 999 million womanly skills to go!!!!!)

Third is the Advice- I mean right from the traditional one of waking up at 5a.m to touch K’s feet to the modern ones of making him work at home, so he can babysit , I have been given close to a trillion. I think I can write a handbook on “advice to young brides- what not to follow”. People who I have never met before think that its their god given duty to tell me where the pitfalls of marriage are, and how best to get out of them. What they don’t realize, bless their do gooder heart, is that they are scaring the hell out of me .I never knew that sports, food and the phrase “you’re the best there is “ has the potential to make/break a marriage. I have a colleague, who has mugged up all the names of the cricketers so she can have atleast one conversation topic with her husband and his friends , or a friend who as a rule ensures, she is at home before her husband come hail , storm or the recent Mumbai floods.The guys are even better, their unanimous opinion is “get all you can out of K in the first year, after that you’ve lost him to sports, kids,cable and friends –not necessarily in that order”.

Lastly and not the least is the distance. Try coordinating time zones and meeting place with a person who is 12.5 hrs behind you.You confused about the wishing – “good morning- um actually evening”, then u finally say.. Hi!!!, then the same about the food – “how was breakfast, ummmm tiffin.. oh dinner J”, this btw on a INR15/ min ISD call .Its even worse on a weekend -US Friday nights which turn to Saturday mornings in India , which is the grocery shopping time for me. Explaining to your parents and friends as to why Saturday morning being booked, is usually greeted with knowing smiles and jokes about high phone bills.I am frankly envious of all people in the same time zone, and more so of people in the same country. When I see the Reliance Mobile ad on tv,I wish plague on my cousin who uses the facility and my service provider for his ISD charge .Right from Yahoo chat to Skype, I have explored the communications options and to tell the truth, they are just not the same as having the person in front of you. I feel nowadays as if the microphone has been permanently imprinted on my ear :)

Well, that’s whats happening in the last 2 months,I am also in the middle of “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” – It think I need to write the sequel “ And Wellwishers are from another Solar System”.

And now for the jokes ..and in line with my reading :)

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women AreFrom Venus" offered by an English professor from the Universityof Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we willexperiment with a new form called the tandem story. Theprocess is simple. Each person will pair off with the personsitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph ofa short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph andsend another copy to me. The partner will read the firstparagraph and then add another paragraph to the story andsend it back, also sending another copy to me. The first personwill then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and- forth.Remember to re-read what has been written each time in orderto keep the story coherent. There is be absolutely NOtalking outside of the e-mails, and anything you wish to say mustbe written in the e- mail.The story is over when both agree a conclusion has beenreached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his Englishstudents:Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY:(first paragraph by Rebecca)At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy eveningsat home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, inhappier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant CarlHarris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4,had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo namedLaurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance sofar..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashedout of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat andacross the cockpit.

(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but notbefore he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizingthe one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards thepeaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes LawPermanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read inher newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excitedher and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of heryouth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.."Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian Mother shiplaunched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course forEarth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid,Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going tov eto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shallI have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F---INGTEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads toomany Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca) A**hole.
(Gary) Go drink some tea - wh***.

(TEACHER)A+ - I really liked this one

Keep Smiling :))