Forgive thats fine but forget??

A colleague asked me yesterday “Suppose you meet a friend from 20 years ago, and they had hurt you by their behavior then. Would you bring it up or let it go?”

My first thought was to tell her to let it go, its been 20 years after all. But then I really got to thinking, It had been "20 years", and she was still hurting, shouldn’t she get it out of her system. We can easily accept an apology but the pain heals very slowly and sometimes never at all. I finally told my friend to bring it up and get it off her heart. If she voiced it loud, she would feel better I hoped. My sister said to me once “If I keep quiet it’s my headache, but if I talk it becomes the other persons headache”. Selfish maybe, but self preservation is the key here.

But even though I preached this to my colleague, I never practice it. I still have some unforgotten business with a couple of people. Notice I said forgotten and not forgiven. I know people use these words interchangeably. But think about it, its easy to accept an apology, logically work out why the person hurt you and forgive. But to forget is something all together different. For me memories are tinged with emotional content. And any relationship is a sum total of your memories of that person interspersed with your own feelings towards them. So if these memories take on a bitter taste it’s hard to move past that into a pleasant relationship. Its only when these bitter memories are replaced by sweeter and more pleasant ones does the relationship actually move forward. To actually get past that memory is crux of an issue. And to that end both parties have to be willing to trust each other with their emotions again.

There are few friends who I have had hard times with. But I prefer the ones who tell me what they think I am doing wrong immediately. That way the emotion that shadows that conversation is quickly put to rest. But if a person festers a feeling for a decade and then comes out it with all of a sudden, then my own perception of that person changes. This may seem contrary to the advice I gave my colleague, but the idea is this – the bitterness has to be totally replaced, and that can be done by working through the emotions of negativity.

Ironically though I am grappling with the same situation as my colleague is with a pal of mine – Should I come out and tell her that I cant get over our last disagreement or do I just learn that nothing she says is going to change what I think about her. I usually avoid people whom I feel negative about. “Out of sight is out of mind” and I stick to that principle with a vengeance. But what if out of sight cannot happen. I am falling into the same trap my colleague has. Grappling with emotions that aren’t good for her. The logical part of my brain seems to think I have not forgiven my friend. But I know I have, it’s just the memories of our unfortunate fight, keep tinting even the smallest meeting or interaction we have and I cringe everytime we speak.

My mom always told me to choose my battles and my friends wisely. She never told me what to do when the battle was with a friend. As I induce a smile in my voice every time I talk to her, I wonder am I being false or just a good friend? . I think in the end it can be worked out only if I trust that person not to hurt me again. I love this quote of Elizabeth Edwards regarding her cheating husband,which I think applies to every hurtful relationship

"Forgiveness is a gift that I have given him, but trust -thats something he has to earn himself"

Wow, after that I really need a smile :D

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

Keep Smilin ppl
Anu

Crazy lil things called opinions

Last couple of weeks have been a bit crazy to say the least. Health hiccups which I hate, doctor visits and their painful prognosis - more exercise.. What’s with Doctors and exercise, its like they have a internal bond with that word and have to say atleast a hundred times every visit (or is that just for me ??) . Though I have enjoyed reading my blogger pals post, work has been so hectic, that I start a comment only to come back to the same page a couple of hours later, with no clue what exactly I had to say.. Well after all this boohoo for me , the last weeks have been exciting in terms of news of the world, and the following are a couple of blogs which I would have posted, if I wasn’t so annoyed with my doctor and my boss.

Obama and McCain : Well, I cant add to praise from every quarter which has followed Obama and his amazing journey to being President elect. I know people in India who wept at his acceptance speech. Though I did watch his speech with a feeling that Change was indeed now a part of America’s future , I must say that McCain’s speech accepting his defeat to me , was a little more moving. A greatness of a man is in how he accepts defeat, and this man did it with grace and humility. Of course Barbie Palin, shedding tears next to him, still made me want to dress her in my Alaska Barbie clothes :) !. However I must express my concern, Obama is qualified, but to rest the responsibility of changing America and its economic recession on his shoulders alone is tantamount to putting the world on a person’s shoulder assuming he is Atlas. Every person is responsible for helping their little community to move up in these scary times.

Proportion 8 : For the non California voters, this was a proposition to simply overturn Gay and Lesbian marriages in the state and pronounce them as “unions”. It was passed , and now California law defines “marriage” as a union between only a man and a woman. Well this is my take on it. Though I don’t really understand the dynamics of homosexuality as a conservative Indian woman, I understand as a human, what this means to the people involved. It’s not just a word –“marriage”, they are rights associated with that term which have been taken away from those people like rights of automatic adoption of their partners child, rights to property and so on. The worst part is I feel is the right for two people in love to share their commitment with the world. If people are so against sexual preferences, then they should start withholding the marriage rights of child abusers and sexual predators. If those guys can do a stint in jail and come out and get married. Why cant humans who are leading fully productive lives, marry without us breathing down their necks.

Bailout story: Yes, the US government decided to bail out messed up Wall street and the banks with our money. I say our, because I’m going to be paying that tax,with the other Americans/immigrants/Visa holders who live in the US, to ensure that the mess that Greed mongers had started is actually wiped clean. I’ve seen my investments crash to quarter of their value, close colleagues lose their jobs and thousands of people face foreclosures, but now the new twist is the people who want the part of the bailout money. So we have the auto industry asking for a portion now, which will be given. My theory is that if you make cars, which actually cross the 24 Miles per gallon mark , it would make sense that people will buy it and you wouldn’t need the bailout. Now we have cities who are asking for the money to help their dwindling pension funds. I don’t mind if this money is used to bring back America from the depression its facing, because that in turn helps the other dependant markets, but if this money is just used to rescue powerful factions which are failing, without helping the market as a whole, what’s the point?.

India’s economic situation : Well the India team was buoyant with the GDP growth 9% last year. But lets be real , with recession hitting America, its not far behind in India, with GDP projected this year at 6%. But I wonder if people back home understand the significance. I have friends who call me to crib about how America has crashed the global market. But hasn’t greed flowed all the way to India. People jumping jobs every 6 months for higher salaries, real estate which sold at Rs. 18 lakh , 3years back, now selling at Rs.30 lakh . Everyone knows the market is inflated, but no one really thought about pulling in Rs.15000 on a new cell phone. I’m not blaming my friends, but we forgot I think in the whole rush of money, we forgot the basic conservative principles we were brought up with. We accepted the American philosophy of buying a home first and paying later ,not really thinking if the income level will be the same later. Well Americans have a bailout plan, if this depression hits India and the other dependant economies (which I pray it doesn’t) are they prepared? I don’t know, but I hope the Indian Parliament instead of throwing chairs and insults at each other, come up with a plan which actually doesn’t involve reservation or class, but basic common sense

"India is my country, all Indians are my brothers and sisters..." :Well that’s what I said for 12 years of my life, as a pledge in school . So what changed ? What makes Raj Thackeray throw out non Maharastrians out of the state and what makes people support it?. I don’t get it!!!. What makes a man from Bihar ,take a gun ,threaten people and be shot dead , and finally what makes a bunch of men on a train kick and thrash a man to death ?? . I can answer all those except the first one . “Fear” – fear that that young man will lose any employment opportunity ,which will help his family back in Bihar, Fear that the helpless man, from a neighboring state, will take their jobs, which they are already struggling to hold on to. Mr. Thackeray, you can utilize this fear now for your political shenanigans but I wonder when you take your dying breath, what fears you will face when you meet your maker.

Happy Birthday Mr. Nehru: Today is Children’s day (Birthday of Jawaharlal Nehru) . I loved this day in school and somehow it stuck to me through life. It was a day where children were celebrated , not because they were special or good at studies, but because they were children . I remember in school, we used to get red roses, to pin to our badges . Well not everybody, because roses were expensive, but those of us involved in setting up the whole cultural event did get those roses :) ! But, it felt good to have a day dedicated to us and better, when the nice teachers, let us get free hours. So today, the kid in me is happy, Im celebrating her and it feels good! I wish that today across the world, every child enjoys the safe haven of a home , the enjoyment of a meal and the excitement of education. How long due we have to wait for that to happen, in all this chaos, I wonder?

Bag Theory: And this particular part is for all my friends and K who think I carry the world in my bag. A college student, who was being mugged, was saved from a gunshot, when the bullet went into her bag and didn’t come out,because it was stuck in all the stuff in her bag . Well, as this finally proves my point, that big handbags are life saving, in more than one way :D!

And now after that ranting post, a few quotes which have to make you smile

When Insults had class

An exchange between John Wilkes and the Earl of Sandwich (both English
Parliamentarians of the 18th century):

–The Earl: "Egad, sir, I do not know whether you will die at the gallows or
of the pox."

–Wilkes: "That will depend, my Lord, on whether I embrace your principles
or your women." (thanks to Nick for the correction!)

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar
Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend…. if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

Keep Smilin ppl
Anu

Heartbreak Hotel

I am not blogging frequently why .. simple.. People who know me assume that all of my blogs are my personal experiences. A good pal of mine sent me a couple of inspirational messages, thinking I was depressed as per my last blog :D!!!!K warned me if I published this one ,people would think I was a lovesick teenager, but I am doing so anyway. I like to publish stuff that I feel strongly about – it need not happen to me, but I see it and its feels like a hit in my gut , that’s going to be in the blog!… so G....n u know who you are.. this is’nt abt me, so plzzz don’t send me “heart’s will mend” messages :D:D





Life sometimes plays out a greek tragedy, and even if you are part of the supporting cast, the emotions surrounding the events still play strong. A pal of mine sent me a message that he had got in touch from a long lost colleague. That doesn’t sound bad, but the problem was that this colleague was once a good friend , who had invoked a love triangle, that ended badly for all parties concerned. Thankfully, I wasn’t part of the love drama being played out, but to see the hurt and watch a slow destruction of another friend, by this guys callousness still unnerves me. I keep asking the question “Why”.. why would one purposefully put oneself between a couple who knew each other from mere toddlers, why would one revoke a friendship that lasted through late night get together’s and combined exam cramming sessions on a mere whim and why would anyone go through so much trouble to achieve the lady in question only to move on in a short period. As the friends on the sidelines, we were in a difficult situation, with a distaste lingering by the behavior of the lady and the lothario and a sadness for the Romeo who filled the next tow years of with a series of scotch and whisky bottles. Though the situation ended , as so many in real life, with each of these parties being married to a person , who I am sure had no clue on their past life, it was a difficult lesson I’m sure for the original couple involved.

Another relationship I know ,hit the dirt last week with the girl marrying another , and the guy standing meekly by. The guy gave her up because she couldn’t possibly live his lifestyle (old parents/lot’sa responsibilities)..It was a bad playback of the movie “Unnale Unnale”..Why did they both go through so much heart break, if he knew the situation beforehand and still wasnt ready to face life together?

As K asked me, why I was letting situations that I wasn’t even a party to, irritate me. The reason is I want to live in a world where friendship is honored and love is sacred. Its scary to think that we may bring kids into this world only to prepare them for heartbreak from their closest. As a good friend of mine said once “It’s the survival of the fittest in war and ESPECIALLY in love”. Every situation is a battleground and its getting harder to just live, rather than compete in every single aspect. I thought the classroom ranking system was hard, but the ranking system in the world out there is harder. Its based on money , looks and power,all the things that I grew up to think were not important. The world is getting to be a cold place with relationships being time controlled. I know it must be Utopia to live in a place where peace , harmony and kindness reign supreme, but nowadays I feel that people don’t even want to consider it. The above situations that I described, is what , my friend assures me happens to every girl or guy once in their life. He calls it growing up, but I disagree, just because every other person thinks that morality , love and friendship are something to be discarded doesn’t mean that these are situations to be taken lightly, The above situation should have been an exception, unfortunately its become an occurrence. I somehow don’t know the road ahead on this one, I hope the future generations figures it out though.

Wow that was fun wasnt it!! and now for the smiles…..

1)A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,
"You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never
heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now"cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

2.An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody

Keep smiling
Anu

Pretty "Please"

I been irritated the last two months to write about anything specific. That’s it… … I did move homes, come back from a trip to India, Survive really bad colds… but the reason I didn’t put the keyboard to the word document was one – attitudinal irritation :) (which in my dictionary means wanting to firmly throw people into the Bay of Bengal, because they are a nuisance to general population)

It’s not against one person, or a whole community. But scattered people, who have one thing in common. They are RUDE and inconsiderate. A person can cloak it by saying they are frank or they care or even sometimes just plain “Office Communication”. I just think my tolerance has dropped several scales in the last month. This post is not directed at people who interact only with me, but with my friends and family.

When has being polite become a thing of the 18th century. I know minding the “P’s&Q’s” is something we read in old Enid Blyton novels, but to totally remove the line of distinction between informality and decent behavior and we really don’t have much left. I work with a team in office, who defines ‘work’ as something that is to be done by another. I know we come across people like that but to have a whole team adhering to that mantra is painful. I can almost expect every mail to start with “We cannot or will not” and every problem to start with “You were responsible”, “discussion and solution” doesn’t seem to be a part of their vocabulary .Where does rudeness come into this – its mail style which conveys the tone and talking to a peer as if they are your personal secretary doesn’t cut it. The worst part is this team is from India and to add insult to injury, my US colleague asked me if they treated everybody this way back home.. I did explain to him that Indian traditions install respect at a very young age, especially to elders and this was an exception. When I mentioned this, the other colleague quipped, that maybe we may have to refer the problem to their Manager, who was the only “Elder” they respected :D. I do think that office emails do convey a line of informality , but to step over into being discourteous is easy.

Family implies that these are the people you are close to and they are ones who are to be frank with you. I am generally a good sport. But this is extends to people I know and have known for ages. But to have people you’ve known only for a while, defined as extended family, take liberties on commenting on your life, your health and definitely your income drove me nuts back home. It’s an unfortunate conclusion that some people come to, that, anybody working in the States has droves of dollars stashed in some Swiss account. When I was visiting some folks back home, all they could talk about was my weight and income bracket. A smile is something that is beautiful but to have it permanently placed on your lips while all your hands want to do is throttle another, is hard.!! I remember watching an Oprah show where the physician said that the worst way to undermine a woman was to comment on her weight. One of girls in my family, who kept getting these comments from her “near and dear” ones lost almost 60 pounds. Now she is looks malnourished and definitely sick. She lost weight my simplyby not eating and this method is seconded by her mom. If only these “good will" people can look at how anorexia can destroy lives, they wont be a part of starving a young girl.

Next is the group who call themselves the “Advice Team”. They have an opinion on almost everything and even your personal life and are sure they absolutely right. I don’t mind listening to my elders on their views or I sometimes even ask my pals on some stuff. But to give free give advice is easier than listening to it!! I realize that suddenly a lot of people have advice to give on my marriage and my career. The best part is most of them didn’t have either or both :D...

I listen to ages to my parents telling me what to do, but to listen to a pal whose just starting out on how to define my life made me feel a part of a Calvin Hobbes joke, with this guy morphing into those space alien whose language I had didn’t have a clue on.I feel angry with people who assume they know all the loops which go into the complex tangle which is your life. And any explanation seems to them like a bucketful of excuses and the guilt that arises from them is enough to drown in. A friend of mine was so embittered with explaining to the whole world with why she didn’t quit her job on having her baby, which they felt was the best for her and her son, that she quit her job just to stay at home, and is currently is unhappy as h**.Yes it was her decision to do so, but constantly listening to a barrage of advice was her undoing.

And finally to end my tirade where has all the respect towards the senior folk gone? Right from my plane trip to a lanes of Chennai , I saw constant abuse and disrespect towards people over 60.I know life begins at 50 but to treat a senior person as if they are 10 is repugnant. Right from the autorickhaws of Chennai to the flight attendants of Lufthansa, there seemed to be a distaste to deal with the elderly. It’s always been my pet peeve that people bring their parents from India to work in the US. There is a restaurant in the Bay area where these old gentlemen are waiters and actually straining under the workload. I make it a point never to set foot in the restaurant (K agrees with me especially as the food sucks !!).But to find a blatant disregard to address an older person with some kind of respect really got to me. My mother’s neighbor who picks the flowers and vegetables, out of the garden, which is singularly grown by my mom , and actually cuts up the plants which ‘dare ‘ to creep to her side, doesn’t seem to have a word of thanks about her. Also the other day I was next to an Indian Kid, who was yelling at his grand mom (I’m assuming it’s her) to shut up, while the parents coolly looked on.

Respect, Politeness, Integrity, Honesty are qualities which are endorsed by the religion, tradition and culture of every part of the world. To have the first two submerged under the veneer of modern communication is sad. Is it too hard to include a please and a thank in a conversation. Just doing this to some people feels like an old government communication clip. But these words are not just alphabet’s put together but an indication of how much the person or his/her time means to you. Funnily enough being nice to someone may just constitute a smile or sometime just keeping your thoughts to yourself. That’s not too hard to ask people is it ??!!

And for the laughs as usual

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole?


I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached
By one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy
And nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not
asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,” Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.” SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"While 30 people nearly choked to
death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh
They’d ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance
to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the
tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced” Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off!" No one saw her for the rest of the
flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and so were half of the passengers.

Keep Smiling

Anu